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My fearful, first blog post!

Untitled (Quality) oil pastel on paper, 9 x 12, 2016

I’ve never written a blog before. So why am I doing it now? Well, to be honest, I’m attempting to get some traffic to my site. I was advised not too long ago this would be a sure fire way to do that. As that was said, I felt fear shoot through me. Why? Because 1) I’ve never been too hot on writing and 2) the one thing I’m most consistent with is being inconsistent. Along with the idea of writing a blog, my best friend said I could just write about anything that comes to mind. I already have a practice of writing 3 pages of free-form writing each day, and I write my deepest, darkest secrets in there. I really don’t want to share that with whomever. On the other hand, that will be the easiest way to express myself here online. Otherwise, I’ll sit here for days on end trying to type out the first perfect word, that one correct word that satisfies only my perfectionist tendencies.

What exactly should my first blog post be about? How about fear? Not so much what I fear but why I’m feeling afraid. The first thing which comes to mind is my experience this past Thursday. I visited a gallery for the first time and during the opening I spoke to two people whom I’d met before but didn’t know. I didn’t realize until after how scared I was while speaking. I felt inadequate as an artist and when talking about art to these “local” people I began rambling about how artists in New York City think. I spouted a mixture of conjecture and quasi-art theory, not really understanding myself what I was speaking about. I kind of made it up as it came out. I don’t think they were impressed and I felt remorseful about it as I drove back home. What is the moral here? Well, there really is no moral. You can do this or not. I guess my point is, other than beginning a blog post, is I felt fear at that most crucial of moments.

I’ve also been feeling a fear today. Let me start by saying I’ve never been religious and it’s only been a few years that I’ve been exploring my spiritual side. However, I felt afraid after my mom invited me to church service with her. I was meditating this morning, thinking about my spirituality and religion, and here I am being invited. So I went, feeling scared for most of the time. After leaving I felt a lot less scared.

Though that fear has waned I still feel afraid of getting close to people. I met a woman and she seems pretty nice. She is smart, lovely, and serious. So now I feel afraid to respond to her. It’s real irony when all I’ve wanted most of my life is to be close to someone yet it’s one of the hardest things to do.

At 504 words, this concludes my first blog post.

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